It will be the end of 2011 soon...

Have not been a very good time having in the year of 2011......in the matter of every...but the main thing is im living safe,im living with no serious ill(quite healthy I guess??)Just sometimes work doesnt happen smooth and things doesnt turn out the way it should be....

Sometimes really feel tired of what I dream about?Well people do stress out by smoking,I dont feel any good about smoking,ever I had tried...well people do stress out by drinking and clubbing??hm...those place doesnt really suits me since im not drinking....not to say i dont like it...but Im not a alcoholic person....so what I will always do i get into my bed even if I cant sleep...thats the best way ever I can recover from my stress....

Too much of tiring happen in my life,which i never think that happens.....the older I am,the quiet I will be.....lol.....miss home seriously,feel like wanna go home n dont ever come back to singapore,but things had been tighten up my life with bills ,career bla bla bla etc.......

Just seriously,if I really feel dissapointed about what happens in my life,seriously im gona leave no matter what stops me,Dont like the reality really......just dont happen to break my heart again......

可惜不是你。。。。。。。

又有谁能够体会我所承受的打击？？？

又有谁明白前今后世的姻缘？？？

期待的2012年。。。。。

过的很艰苦那2011年的我，渴望2012年的到来。很想跟大家说：我回来了！！！这句我回来，算是长期的回来吧。。。呆在四年新加坡的我。。。希望2012年能顺着自己的规划行动，回到大马领土的小家园    -彭亨，关丹。

我希望在2012年的我，能够真正回到自己的家，做自己喜欢的事，参加自己喜欢的活动，与朋友们好好的聚一聚，再次和我的家人长住一段日子。。。我想那时候会呆在关丹蛮久的一段时间。。。好好的给自己充电充电！！！大概是几个月到半年的时间吧？？？

要在这里对被我忽略的朋友们说声对不起，因为自己的想法，自己的计划，和预算之中忽略与你们之间的接触，这次回来的消息其实有好的也有坏的。。。好的就是能与远处的朋友和家人们相聚。

坏的。。。。。。。就是时机成熟时，我想飞到国外去工作，这次不是新加坡和马来西亚的距离了，我想飞到更远，因为我的野心让我好奇国外的生活，要在国外打拼。。。我会拿课程学习各国的语言，在家做甜点的research，在网页上到处散播我的resume，我相信，天下无绝人之路。。。一定有地方肯收留我，让我学习，让我从事业里发挥自己的潜能 。。。要是有这么一天，到时候请我的朋友和家人们。。。要振作，不要担心我，不要不舍得我。。。我要的，是你们鼓励我的力量让我向前冲。。。。。

请不要让我放弃，不要让我失望。。。要让我去追我的未来。。。。2012年，我能实现我的期待吗？？？

The lord of depress comes again.....

Im always not good enough...in anything.See those people around me...the things done by other people,ideas of other people,I'm far away from them...just feel that Im always not good enough,I always want to be better.

Is not that I want to compare,is just that I feel tired....there is nothing about bringing back myself ,bringing back the old style of me....nor of these will happen....it can only walk further without looking back of how was I and thinking about bring myself back from the complaction....

Its just an excuse to say bring myself come back,what had been lost will unable to take it back,we can only replace by other things.....because I cannot accept the truth of what I'm now ....

I'm trying to be better,because I'm not as good as you think.....I'm not good enough......

The thing never change in me,yes there is 1 thing.......Depression is alway inside my thoughts........the bright soul has always been devour by the lord of depress........

The Song of Miracle...

Just a Song with beautiful melody...its from an soundtrack album of a video game 'Castlevania'

Although I don't understand the meaning of this song...

Whenever I listen this song,It tells me that miracle are exist...

To create the world that everybody understand.....to create the pastry that everybody accept it,to create a passion,an interest...a dream that had been always wished to come true...

Words are not enough to express the feeling of this song...

Whenever you feel stressed...its always a reverse form of stressed=desserts...If you believe miracle do exist...

Actually it does =)

宁静的夜晚，怎能解得了我内心的愁闷。。。。。

喜。怒。哀。乐。

是人生都会体会的感情

酸。甜。苦。辣。

是人生都会尝到的滋味

是不是每个人都会经验的事？？？
人生活了总总二十一年，却没能尽自己的能力发挥出最好的才华。。。就算有，也只不过是几百天内的那几天。。。人为什么总不能，时时刻刻的将自己表现的最好？？？

就因为我是人，骗得了人家，骗不了自己。。。每个人的命运都不一样，如果有天让你揭开你的命运，不是你理想中所想象的。。。。得不到好的结果。。。你愿意承受吗？？？

我总是时常羡慕别人，好像不用怎么做就可以随着自己的意志去追求。。。我却绞尽脑汁，想等于没有想。。。头脑总是一片空白。。。2011年，我要撑到何时？？？
何时才能让我像那些大人物一样。。。

心中的矛盾。。。自己也不明白，没有人明白。。。所以，也请你不要假装好像很明白。。。连我自己都不明白我自己。。。那还有谁会明白。。。。。

心胸闷闷的，不舒服像心碎一样。。。就算我表现得快乐，但此终自己才知道。。。是不是真的快乐。。。

面包。。。蛋糕，何必分开呢？？？

自古以来，面包和蛋糕都是一体的东西。。。到了这个时代，在某些范围大的工作室面包界和蛋糕界都给分开了。。。原本在一起的东西，为什么要分开，为什么要分的那么清楚，界线要画的那么明确。。。

几年前当我加入烘焙室工作室，同事们都会问我些稀奇的问题。。。他们都问我，你比较喜欢面包还是蛋糕？？？我很爽快地回答他们‘嗯，两个都喜欢啊。。。只要在烘焙室里，冷的热的-我都喜欢’我知道，蛋糕是冷的，面包是热的。。。但，它们总有相遇结为一体的地方。。。不是吗？？？

见过几位算是有经验的烘焙师和蛋糕师，他们都各有各的看法。有的人说‘面包比蛋糕容易’，则有人说‘蛋糕比面包容易’。有的则说面包的工比较粗，蛋糕的手工比较细。。。如果不分开做会导致手工的不协调。。。俩合在一起导致发挥不到最好的效果。。。这都是个人的看法。。。

面包-在我角度里它是个重要的角色，蛋糕-是扮演华丽的独特感。。。没有了这两样东西。。。我也就不知道我的方向何处。。。

在我小的时候，我最喜欢的就是面包了。面包它给我带来了饱暖的感觉。。。从小我就好奇面包的来源是什么东西，在我十四岁时开始在一间面包店打工。。。那是我人生中第一次和面团的接触，我最记得的就是面包发酵的香味。。。特别让我注意的香味。。。到现在，只要我走进面包房里。。。我就期待闻到面包发酵的味道还有烘烤的味道。。。面包对我来说，是生命中不可缺少的食物。

在我十八岁踏出人生第一步所谓的‘社会大学’，在一间俱乐部的餐厅打工。。。成为了餐厅的服务员，当时让我认识了很多各种类的食材，当中包括所谓的甜点，大众人知所谓的蛋糕，它的独特，它的魅力，它的艺术打动了我的心。。。华丽优势的手工。。。它的诱惑让我特别想去占有它们。。。

所谓的面包-是为了饱满而创出来的；所谓的蛋糕-是为了展现它的华丽而发挥出来的
当面包和蛋糕团结在一起的时候，因为面包而觉得有饱满之足，因为蛋糕而觉得优雅。。。当它们结合在一起就会产生幸福的感觉。。。何必分开？？？

看过这篇文章的人请不要无视面包和蛋糕当中的内在美，面包=饱满，蛋糕=华丽 因此当面包+蛋糕=是幸福的。。。吃过面包和蛋糕的你，比起穷国家的小孩活得更饱满更华丽。。。那，你认为。。。你幸福吗？？？？？

A place so called Paradise........

People all around the world do like paradise.....it can be any type of situation to let it become a paradise.....whats a paradise for you ???Money Paradise?Relax Paradise?No need to do anything paradise?I don't like the current situation of 'paradise'...because I'm feeling lost...I'm feeling stop moving further....this kind of paradise is just a way to stop you to reach your motive and goal...is it still a paradise for you???

Stay in this so called paradise...Im feel like Im dying...I feel fatigue....Im started to lost interest of my goal...This kind of paradise are killing me....Please bring me back...back to the best form of me...I don't deserve to stay in this kind of paradise...its just not my type.....maybe you would like it...but...not for me.....

Just wanna say...I'm neither live to eat nor eat to live,I live to search for my talent...Yet I know knowldge is waiting for me.....sorry because I stopped by rather than to look for you,but I'm coming......please.....let me know where you are......

A place that full of knowledge and intelligent that cannot replace with anything,thats my Paradise.........

回忆。。。你有泪吗？？？

我总是做得不够好。。。无论在什么方面，就算尽了力。。。还会想到其实自己还可以做得更好。。。为什么我前进不了？我从来没有停止过。。。一直向前走，一直往着我的方向去走。。。。。。这条漫长的路，让我走的累，让我走得越来越陌生。。。越来越安静，越来越麻木，越来越失去自信。。。慢慢的被这条走向陌生的未知成功之路。。。吞食。。。。。我的概念慢慢被摧毁，我的信心慢慢被打败，我的技术慢慢退步。。。

这一切的发生，让我回顾了我以前所有的点点滴滴。。。。。感觉好像再也找不回了，之所以找不回。。。才叫做回忆，想起回忆。。。它会给你力量，给自己无限的冲劲和勇敢。。。回忆，真的能让人坚强起来。。。回忆越多，得到的能量就越多，也代表着你失去再也找不回的东西。。。更多。。。。。。。

情不自禁泪水的掉落，但已麻木的自己早已习惯收拾心情。。。为下一秒作战。。。。。。

总是因为昨天的不完美，今天还活着的我做到最好，要让明天的生命过得更有意义 。。。。。

Plan A cannot make it...there are always ready with plan B ,plan C , D and.......

You know what???Finally my plan A have already spoil....no more flying to New Zealand....because visas for malaysian to NZ have been fully taken....how sad is that I couldn't get a refund for my ticket,because its a promotion ticket....so I better go fuck myself .....doing things too quick...putting bet too quick...I am not blaming myself because I cannot go to NZ,its because I didn't plan properly about this trip..what I need to be done....everything I do it last minute.....so now I couldn't go to NZ,if not because I do it last minute,I could have going to NZ already...so ....happy now????

I was read from a friend's phrases.....'never judge or make a decision especially when you are too excited or you are angry...it will never works' NOW....I feel it!!!I understand what it means now.....

Anyway ,lost a chance going to NZ is kinda sad...but we must not stop at the same point eventho plan A has been ruined....actually,I don't know why,I feel relieved when my plan to NZ no more...maybe because of I'm not ready yet???Nope,I'm ready to move,but not NZ for the moment...Now...no more NZ,no more headache...(for those who hoping for my news journey to NZ,sorry for making you disappointed for waiting .....but I make sure there will be something bigger happening in the future,I promise ! =))

Is this the destiny that had been arranged in my life???should I think that...is it consider lucky?that I have been avoided to a place which is not familiar for me....or I'm unfortunately because I just miss the chance???Well,its up to people how they gonna think....As long that I won't regret with my decision...then I think...its ok =)

我受够了。。。我很累。。。。。

一路走来的2011年。。。从年头都一直很耐心的辅导自己的情绪，小心不让事情容易影响我的表现。。。但我越耐心去想，得到的成果越是失败。。。我非常的气自己。。。我讨厌我不再进步！！！！！！我讨厌我解决不了自己的问题！！！我讨厌我不再是以前那么勇敢的家亿！！！！！！我讨厌一直承受失败！！！！！！一路安慰自己，可是一路都让我更失望更看不起自己！！！！！！那个当初人人都觉得不管什么方面都很强的家亿回不来！！！！死去哪里？？！！！！！我受够了！！！！我很累了！！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！你去死！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！我再也不想看到自己！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！这么多身边的人死去，不叫你去死？？！！！！！！！！！！！！！还有什么值得留下？？不值得被安慰。。。。是应得的。。。。。。。。。因为我从来都没有看好我自己。。。。。为什么偏偏就是我。。。。。。。。。。。

天上的一场倾盆大雨，让我在梦境之中被唤醒。。。也让我在梦中看见了你。。。。。

一场早晨开始嘀嗒嘀嗒下起的一场雨，在梦中的我有所感觉‘难道这是天在为你而下的雨？’。。。。。

一场大雨之中的梦境，突然让我在梦中看见了你。。。瞬间记得你的模样，也一转眼你的的样子变得模糊。。。这是为什么，让我如此的关注你，留意你的一切。。。。

实在无法想象你会出现在我的梦境里。。。醒来后的我对你的记忆还是那么的深刻，很想在你转身之后没留意，让我从背后给你一个拥抱。很想跟你过着每一天，到处去走每一个回忆的角落。很想在你的耳边轻微的告诉你我对你的感觉。。。很想静静的，什么都不说，只让你依依靠在我的肩膀，陪我听着海浪的声音，陪我数着闪闪的星星，陪我看着月牙湾。。。偷笑~但这些都只发生在梦里，现实之中倒是相反。。。人太过木版，怎么会发生这种景象呢？？？

总是在问自己能不能，可不可以留下？但有着要完成的使命，不能为了现在而变得贪心。梦后醒过来还是那么清晰。。。我眼泪也笑了。。。。。倾盆大雨后，才发现原来只是过云雨。。。雨后总要赶路，连天上的小鸟都在唱歌了，从不会停了雨而停下了要去的目的地。。。一定会到处飞翔。我也一样，就算难过，也不能停下舍不得。。。为了我的未来，说不定我们的未来，我必须继续走向前。。。到达我的目的地。。。。。。。。。。。

Cake decorations are just like doing a make up ~~~

Suddenly it reminds me when I'm in empty minded.,I remembered there is once a pastry chef told me when I'm new and fresh to field of pastries...the chef said :'when you decor a cake,is just like doing a make up...just like a lady,you must treat it gentlely...you can't put a naked cake without garnishing just out to serve like that?! Its just similar to a lady,need make up to boost them to be better looking...even to the max !!!haha....'

Slowly a little by a little,you will find out that its really true that doing cake decorations just like doing a make up for a lady...here are some examples of technique that used so far in my life that similar to doing a make up =)

(do lining and measuring on the cake before cutting the cake) is just like when before start up to putting make up on the face,do measuring and lining examples like putting on eye lashes...draw lining for the eyes and etc...

(apply any glaze for the cake)is just like putting on the lipstick....oh well....

(grate example a lemon to remove the skin of it) is just like you are using a scrub facial foam to wash away the dirts...

(coating mirror gel onto surface of fresh fruits so that it looks shiny) is just like applying moisturizer on you face,make it looks healthier and better..

(sprinkle snow powder on the cake) is just like you putting a make up on the lady's face...(some of them use to make up...to cover up the ugly part =X)

in this world there is no ugly cake,it depends on the chef whether willing to put more effort and ideas on decorations...it is always chef's mission to do put on the 'make up' for the cake...before it serves out to the table...=)

女人的心就像调巧克力的温度一样，难以捉摸。。。。。。。

别看我一副好象什么都懂得样子。。。其实我最不懂女人心。。。有的人说女人是很容易了解的动物。。。但我怎么去分析。。。都搞不懂女人想的是什么。。。也许是我没这一门的天分吧。。。

就像再temper巧克力的温度时一样。。。搞不好你会被它们骗了你的触觉，它忽冷忽热。。。当它显得冷时。。。其实内还是温的。。。千万别被她们的情绪忽冷忽热。。。而让你觉得困扰。。。

我不懂得你的心在想什么。。。但，我还依然想念你野蛮地对待。。。当你对我不理不睬，却让我觉得不习惯，很想天天遇到野蛮的你。。。天天打我跟我斗斗嘴。。。把我给带来生命的主动。。。一种特别的推动力。。。让我想着有活下去的理由，让我知道我的下一步应该做的是什么。。。

想起你，但不敢主动联络你。。。怕你觉得我烦，怕我把你逼得太紧。。。我也不懂得要怎样去改变。。。我只能等待，一直等。。。我不了解这些都是什么。。。我只能一直向前走，从不敢往回头去看。。。因为，我总是像你所说的。。。。笨蛋，木头人！。。。。。。。。

会唱情歌的人，不一定懂得去爱。。。我们都会唱情歌，但我们无法把爱说出口。。。

Finally the last decision has been made......

Should I be proud of it??Should I be happy of what I'm going to face it??In these few weeks I was confuced to getting the decision ...a opportunity to New Zealand....because of things happen around me,I need to think wisely ...I need to think of how Am I gona survive ,by ALONE....so that I wont be regret to do the decision...

Now I have a very strong mindset,I want to go to New Zealand,I have to go.....to the the different culture of other country...to learn what is special over there...there is once my friend told me...non of the famous dessert was created in NZ...tell me not to go there...an other friend told me as well...NZ got earthquake....it will have another earthquake strikes in NZ again soon,,,also tell me not to go there...and other friend also told me,don't leave a place when you don't know where is your next destination....so many negative point were mention....to hold me from going to NZ...but as you know me...Im stubborn...so,I will go...hahaha!the reason why I need to go...is because I believe that every places have things which is special...just that people didn't know it well...or they are humble being show off what they actually have..

.Oh man...another earthquake is expected to hit NZ again,why I choose wanna go to a place with a risk of my life...so what ??I got nothing left to be tressured,people won't appreciate what I am...又有谁会明白我心想的是什么？又有谁能够体会到我受过的挫折？谁能够了解多么伤心的我。。。过了那么多年，还是一样的我。。。我最讨厌被人群冷落。。。所以我走的时候，请不要假装要留下我，你们的假情假意。。。我受够了。。。这样反而会让我更坚强，更好过。。。一个人就一个人咯。。。一个人的路途，一个人的旅程，一个人的吃饭看戏睡觉做工。。。去到那讲不好听，衰起来的话可能睡街头也说不定。。。哈哈。。。就到处流浪咯。。。又有谁能管得了。。。在坏的情况可能我得面对危险的地震，死就死啦。。。反正我没什么留下会遗憾的。。。但我不会白白的浪费我的生命，我不会选择轻生。。。就算死，也要死的有意义，去到那，只要路见不平，就会拔刀相助。。。我不会选择自私的行为。。自己保护自己，其实是因为我没有保护自己的能力，只能尝试去帮助别人，保护别人。。。这样就够了，这样我也过得安心过的满足。。。

我知道我的路还有很长很长，表面上看来我好像就快死酱，但我不会那么早死，因为还有很多任务要完成。。。这只不过是个起点，还有很多很多地方要去的！还有很多地方的人等着要认识我的。。。得到大量的社交能力，来自世界各地。。。呵呵，不可能这么快就game over的！！！

在这里分享关于我少少的感情消息。。。我并不是你们想象中的木头人，虽然我像个木头那样，也不怎么会主动去跟别人说话，但我也是人，有哪种人不希望得到被爱？尤其是在你喜欢的人身上得到她的爱。。。这算是完美的爱吧？？也是每个人都想得到的爱吗？？我搞不懂我的感情关系。。。我的感情方面很复杂。。。也许我不会爱吧。。。还是因为怕造出双方的伤害，所以选择不去理会，不让别人接近我。。老实说我很容易喜欢一个人，哈哈也许在此读我的blog的人会觉得我不专一，这样的我，是因为找不到适合的对象。。不过一旦让我找到一个我爱她，她也爱我的对象，一个真正你想找的对象，一个她其实也知道你心里怎么想，也爱你的对象。。。我一定会把持捉紧这段感情，就算等她五年十年。。。我也无所谓。。。。。因为我不是喜欢到处乱flirt的人。。。就算我flirt其实我只在做戏。。。哈哈，因为这是我最擅长的。。。。

最近也遇到的一个蛮不错的对象，但一样不好就是她抽烟的！！！我之前的宗旨就是抽烟的人就out。。。可是一旦遇上了她，我好像觉得不怎样。。。无所谓那样。。。不怎么排侧抽烟的人。。。还是女人家叻。。。抽烟也不是什么好的东西。。。如果她能戒烟，那有多好啊。。。那种不知不觉的遇上。。。也许是上天安排要我遇见她。。。刚好有天在街上碰到她，刚巧遇见她。。。而我当着不认识她的走过擦肩而过。。。我知道她注意到我了，但我还是当着没看见那样。。。哈哈。。。会不会觉得我很白痴连打个招呼也没有。。。很没有礼貌对吗？？我感觉她也好像对我有那么一点意思那样，但直觉会因为视觉，听觉，触觉产生错觉。。。她也不错嘛。。。虽然是有点疯，有点过于主动。。。但也算是配合得来像我这样的木人吗？我还记得有次我们一起出去，她见我就很喜欢打我，很喜欢逗我开口讲话，会用那种挑拨的姿势来破坏我的防备。。。我们一起玩snooker，一起笑，一起到处走，去看自然的风景。。去鱼村走了一趟，去到喷水池的夜景。。。一起坐下来谈天。。。我抵挡不了，让我觉得放松~觉得有被爱的感觉。。。。可是过不久我就要离开新加坡了，可能我一走就会走几年了。。。我怕我会对她念念不忘，为什么我总在错的时间遇到我想遇见的人。。。当她第一时间知道我要走了，她也有尝试把我留住。。。她一句‘不要走，留在新加坡。。。新加坡有什么不好？’这。。。明显是什么意思了吗？？我不知道，我不敢深入的猜想。。。以免我出错对人表错情。。。哈哈。。。她叫我留在新加坡，也叫我带她去马来西亚游玩。。。她告诉我很喜欢海边，喜欢大自然的类型吧？？虽然我很带你去见识马来西亚，很想因为你留在新加坡。。。很想跟你度过种种的难关，各种喜怒哀乐。。。但事已决定。。。你慢了一步。。。就这么一步而已。。。我很想留下。。。但去纽西兰是我一部分的任务，我得完成我的任务，我无法现在丢下任务陪你。。。因为这个任务是换来我未来好过的日子，说不定是对你和我的未来都好的日子。。。接下来还有很多很多的任务会接上我，让我面对更多挑战，我也不知道你心里想的是什么，你对我的看法。。。。很想告诉你，我知道你喜欢我，其实我也喜欢你，如果可以的话。。。让我带你一起走可以吗？？我们远走高飞，一起度过难关。。。但这些话只会在我脑海里。。。就算说出口，也不一定会得到我要的答案。。。。还不如把话留给自己。。。我就是这样。。。总是选择不说。。。

我有着一个命运，一个生下来的命运，‘左掌掌兵符，右掌掌财库，左掌官运佳、右掌克六亲 ’也是上天给我重大的任务。。。我总是信我的命。。。哈哈。。。我得接受这个事实。。。对不起我不能为你留下，我只能为你而走。。。这是上天给我的一个考验。。。只要你让我知道你一直守着我，我一定不会忘记你，我一定会想你。。。。。新加坡之一别，还会相见吗？？？还会有人打我骂我逗我开口讲话逗我玩陪我去逛逛街到处走走吗？？？

家亿你就别老是在这发呆了。。。人家又怎样会看上你这样的木头人？？？就算看得上你。。。你都要走了。。。你走了之后，你以为人家会等你那么久吗？？要等你多少年？三年？五年？十年？不如你就不要看得太重好不好？？人生没有几个十年可以等。。。不要伤心难过，不要因此而放弃自己的任务。。。如果你选择不等我。。。也许是我自作多情。。。那我也祝福你找到更适合你的对象。。。希望你会幸福。。。。。。。

Everything comes from failure,mistakes,sadness...to turn it into success,perfect,hapiness.....

Say hi to all for those who visited my blog...even if you were just passby blogger...Since the week of Valentine's Day I was working like a cow as I mentioned last few blog... from that time I was practicing how to do Macaroons ...I had tried 3 times ,but what I got in the end is fuck up shape macaroon....with rough surface,crack,with an awful bites .....how can it be??the fisrt few time macaroon I made was perfect....got no problme with it...after these few tried of failure...I start to be crazy woth the question mark on macaroon...are you fooling me macaroon???I was so upset with the performance of mine...coz of my stubborn thinking....but when comes to today,I come to know how to catch the timing and texture a little bit...as I still need few more practices....this is the macaroon I get now....

haha,it is all thanks to my CDP cause when I got confuse with the problem I had with the macaroon...he was always reminded me don;t b stubborn....yet Im a stubborn person...I like to make it my way....but after a few remind from my CDP...I started to be tamed...to control myself not to be too stubborn...with patience,with the go with the rules of pastries....finally i got a smooth texture of macaroon...but still 'not up to my CDP standard'...but will be 1 day....=)

After that time...I was reminded by the macaroon....failure and mistakes doesnt mean you forever a failure...you forever will do the same mistake...its actually the key which bring you to the way of success and to be perfect....I was once done things without mistakes...but then I failed...I cant except that Im failed....because I had never failed b4 in pastries....its consider my luck is good enough ...but is only the beginning....its not that you are alrdy perfect...you alrdy success....when come to a time that you started to done the mistake...thats the time you will realize that you need mistakes and failure trial ...to bring you the way of success and perfect....not because of you know how to be perfect...not because of how you become success....its because you know how the mistakes is done...how the fail will makes you feel...therefore you are aware of it...and you won't repeat the mistakes and failure trial again....not only in pastries...it can be in anybody in anything any situation.....whether a job,a relationship or a way to handle you financial issues....mistakes,failure,success perfect is always happen in our life.....don't stop you path in when you are in the sadness situation...don't give up when you fail and do mistakes....because from sadness it will get you into hapiness....=)

OMG...Because of food......

I have been realized that Im growing fat abit by abit....because of too much food...esspecially steamboat....please if any of my friends read my blog remember not to invite me to have steamboat again...because I had enough of it ....it is scary to see that your size for the pants larger and larger....

Not dare to be said I'm a chef...but in the future will be ...as now I would like to advice myself and you all keep a healthy diet...a healthy physical fitness...esspecially you are working in the kitchen...evenmore you are a CHEF.....

I have seen that some of the high rank chef had a giant and fatty body size...not even the chef coat suits them...its gonna burst !What can you imagine that a person with a obese size become a chef??For what I think (sorry if I said what it shouldnt be please forgive me =X)a chef who have an obese size..not to say that they are unprofessional...is that their experience are all came from all the 'food tasting'...then when ages go on...their weight and size begin to expand..due to lack of training and execise in physical fitness and healthy diet...imagine everyday you have french fries and burger,...you will be the same too....

As now I'm facing the future problems too...I'm worried if one day I will be the same like those 'fat chef'...as a chef we not only need how to prepare a good food,but have a healthy diet and physical body will tell that if you are really a good chef...so what we do??CHEF...Lets start a daily fitness EXERCISE !!! =)

反正都没有哪几个人会在乎，那不如我走好了。。。。

在我回来关丹这段期间。。。我真的是闷到爆。。。闷到发疯，我终于beh tahan ！！！我的灵感来了就想写blog...我超不爽啊！！！回来关丹。。。我的朋友个个都M.I.A. 了。。有些电话打不通玩失踪。。。有些读书的读书，做工的做工。。。在此的，都有他们的忙。。。讲不好听。。。我回来等于没有回来。。。就当作时路过关丹吧。。。

由于无情的时间未能挽留我门之间的友情。。。一日之别，何时再能想见？？？有些人一瞬间，四年没见了。。。就这样我的四年。。。见少许许多多的朋友。。。你看多快？！再多一两下。。。可能收到朋友的风说：那个谁谁谁就快要结婚了。。。其实说真的，十年可以很快的过去。。。

走过有人的地方，看过不同的人。。。虽然不是去过很多很多的地方。。。但走过的路都看过有的人疯疯癫癫过了几十年，则有些人无所事事不懂自己要什么荒废了十几年，看到这些人，我自然会幻想我的未来会是如何的。。。再怎么不好。。。我也不想像这些人一样！！！很可怕你知道吗？？只要你在一盘棋下到哪一步棋。。。他都会有不同的结果。。。会送你不同的效果。。。真的，我很怕有一天我会跟这些人一样，疯疯癫癫无所事事荒废这些宝贵的时间。。。

一路来，我都会经常问自己。。。‘朋友们，你在哪里？？为什么我的朋友都不怎么联络我。。。’是不是他们都不在乎我。。。我想是因为他们有他们的东西忙吧。。。是因为太自由的我有太多做梦的空间，让我太过投入胡思乱想 。。。我都会这样劝导我自己，但我真的不知道会不会有那么一天我会失控跑去自杀？？有时的心情真的生不如死。。。那种感觉不是每个人都会明白。。。

事故走到今天这一步。。。我想其实是我的态度，我的性格。。。无法融入他人生活话题。。。就因为这样，更找到了让我想离开的原因（难道这里不属于我？？）反正在乎我的也没几个，就算在乎的也管不着那么多，那不如我走好了。。。但在我走之前，我想把关丹的点点滴滴都记录下来，关丹其实是个很轻松的地方，算是个充满大自然的小镇，只是在座各位关丹的市民都把关丹看成很普遍那样，我是个关丹人我觉得很荣幸，因为到头来那是我的归宿，我的家。。。我。。。会不舍得关丹吗？？？

渺小的我不被人看好，不被人多关心。。。让我走得越远越好，希望我遥远的目标能达成，去找一个能够融入我的存在-的地方。。。一个全新所有人不认识我的地方。。。一举成名！我相信天下无绝人之路，只要有人生存的地方。。。哪个地方就会收留我。。。我要带着我的技能-行走四海，环绕全球（说不定还没绕完就死了）毫无怨言，一点也不后悔。。。至少那时的我，活得精彩，找到人生中我想要的意义。。。说不定到时我会被封为历史伟大的人物，孩子们也可能会是我的粉丝。。。。。。

The path I'm choosing...is not what people who willing to take it...

As I growing up...when many things happened in my life...I realise that easily I will be FEAR ,just in anytime...any situation...why??when i feel the fear...I become silent...I become don't wanna talk much...and become exhausted...I don't want to explain to anybody...I really don't why...

As I growing up...friends are getting lesser and lesser...not much to share with...only the best friend I will share to...how I feel...whats my opinion...other than that...I couldnt find any ways to solve this problem...blog pehaps....very complicated in my mind....连自己都搞不好自己在想什么。。。那还有什么资格去里别的事情？？

My emotion can be change anytime in any situation...I'm worried if I really got any mentality sickness....Is it because too much of focus in my work??too much focus in my dream??Even now Im on leave...There is a time for me to rest...but...I feel worst....maybe because of not much thing to do...and think too much...I really wanna rest....but I couldn't...not I don't want....

Even my parents ask me anything...I don't really feel like reply their questions.....they ask me alot...but I might only answer them not more than 3 times....my mum says :十问,九不答。。。I don't want to be like this...but I really feel pissed off.....actually there is nothing to be piss off...just that ...I don't know....Maybe I just need people understand me...many people says they understand me so well...but I don't feel that way... I don't think my parents understand me well...but I don't wanna talk...how they suppose to understandd me then??sorry to say that...then ...what is consider understand me??

People says...if you don't feel happy...do something!!!just anything ...at least the 'something' can disperse your emotional thoughts...to make you busy..let you not to think about the complicated topic as you thinking....to make you feel...not that worse..at least,a medicine to control your sickness..............

No matter what now...I think....thise year I'm sure it will be a big happening....I will make it happen as what my dream goes on....I'm just waiting for the chance....If not...I will need to wait for few years later again...Since I'm usually alone...there is nothing to be sad as Im alone...I will do things alone...I will live alone...I will travel alone...to see the world...Alone....are you willing to take this path just like what Im gonna do?Is it consider a big sacrifice to get what is in your dream??I only know that ...this is only the way...to find out myself and what actually I am....


DON'T UNDERSTAND MY BLOG???WEIRD PEOPLE HUH...............................

因为你的出现。。。所有事情都开始自然的变了。。。。

你知道吗？？在工作度过了‘单身节’未必不是好事，从我的老大身上又学到了点东西。让我大开眼界，

在今天这一切都结束了。。。我撑到最后，竟然就快倒下的瞬间，老大伸手相救，扶我起来，给了我勇气。。。‘请不要在最重要的时刻倒下，这里少了谁也不行。。。’谢谢你~最繁忙的时刻已度过了，该轮到我休息了。。。我累了，让我休息是为了走更长远的路。。。我希望在我休息期间我的同事们一样可以没有我依然能安然无忧的完成他们的工作，一样能顺顺利利的解决问题，希望别的部门不会向我们开炮，惹是生非。。。不然。。。我会内疚，也许不应该拿一个礼拜的假期。。。但说真的，我很想念我的家，我的朋友们。。。我实在没有办法。。。那是否你也会明白我的心情？？

在回家休息这段期间，身体是在放松。。但头脑还得操作。。。要一直想，不断的想，我从小都在想要如何才能踏出马来西亚这一步，人家都说：‘你在新加坡不就踏出了马来西亚吗？？’没错，我是踏出了马来西亚，但是我所拥有的野心太大了，新加坡无法满足我所要的。。。我妈以前都常说：‘你的心那么野，整天想着往外跑。’那时的我还叛逆的他们讲什么我顶他们什么。。。我那时都否认我是这种人，说我是乖孩子，直到岁月慢慢的累计，我才明白我爸妈讲的话意味着什么。。。野心不能没有，没有野心的人往往追求不到梦想，但有野心，不可以有恶念。。。野心+恶念，那你就是坏蛋。。。那我是不是坏蛋？就看你怎样去评估了。。。

你知道吗?因为你的出现，让我鼓起了我的胆量，让我的心更野更想向你一样往外飞。。。就这样我开始大胆的去想。。。大胆的去尝试。。。因为我不跑开。。。我想我一定会后悔。。。但我是想飞，不能马上就飞去最想去的地方。。。因为最想去的地方总要再后来才去，就是先苦后甜。。。遇到的人也一样，总是太早相遇，也太早的分开。。。根本就是在错的时间遇见对的人，但愿不会在对的时间遇见错的人吧。。。

你知道吗？人总说‘不要因为一棵树而放弃整个森林’。。。但是我呢？？我要因为一棵树，要选择爬这棵最高的树。。。好让我爬到最高，看到整个森林的美妙。。。所以我要不断尝试。。。无论如何，今年之内我一定要出国闯。。。除非什么事情能拦住我。。。不然一定要让我看到世界各地的美妙。。原因就是要因为你的存在，而让我奔跑四海。。。寻找出真正的我 =）

不管你知不知道。。。在不在意，没关系。。。不是因为你我变得多好，而是因为你我没有变得不好。。只要我没有变得不好，那就足够了 ~~~ =）

Unexpected support from my brother .........

What can I say....simple and nice,On the spot,on that day of valentine...Support from my CDP...as he did...I was learnt...thank you CDP~~thats what I can say.....=)

I didn't know why he helped me...maybe because of my naive thoughts??

Just left a step.Just only 1 step,but.......

Finally already been proven...things never happen as I thought.Because I give up...what I lose to is myself....

Just only 1 step distance...I can complete my work....why??Why I stop...I have been waited ...not very long...at least there is an idea...is such a waste ...

Yes..I agree that I expect too much from myself...too much of expected that tortured my health which I didn't care it at the 1st place....A person who doens't take care of himself...how to take care the others??How to become a good leader??How to work out a good showpiece???

I was thought that staying overnight ,be hardwork..and I would find my way out of it...but what I have forgotten....work smart....work hard but work smart...1 day you will kill yourself....just like what happened today...why I will say just only 1 step distance...my showpiece will complete...because of my body can't take it anymore...physically,mentallity exhausted...cause from didn't rest well...the final key...I DIDN'T REST WELL...plus that today is the day to clear the whole kitchen for inspection...that is really kill my waist...thats why I failed to complete it...(and tomorrow will be in the rubbish bin for sure....)or maybe become a chcolate shave or something other use??anything it can be....

Why it come on such an important day to do inspection of kitchen....just a little more time....I really can't predict what will happen if I continue my mission with my tiring mind and body...

How would you feel if you are in such a deadline situation???Will you ignore your health status rather than complete of something that will let you feel satisfy?Let says if you complete the job...but then in the end you will knock out because of your body can't take it...

Not to say I give up...jsut to listen to my body once...to rest...because I wouldn't know if I get fainted...when will I wake up again...maybe not waking up anymore....at least I stop...in the future I will have other chance also.....but...it could be not as good oppoturnity as the condition now .....

Jsut only 1 step in front...will you take the step???

A lesson I found in a book... 'Platonism'

I would like to share an article with you all...of how people judge on something...

[Socrates:]"Since the beautiful is opposite of the ugly, they are two."
[Glaucon:]"Of course."
"And since they are two, each is one?"
"I grant that also."
"And the same account is true of the just and unjust, the good and the bad, and all the forms. Each of them is itself one, but because they manifest themselves everywhere in association with actions, bodies, and one another, each of them appears to be many."
"That's right."
"So, I draw this distinction: On one side are those you just now called lovers of sights, lovers of crafts, and practical people; on the other side are those we are now arguing about and whom one would alone call philosophers."
"How do you mean?"
"The lovers of sights and sounds like beautiful sounds, colors, shapes, and everything fashioned out of them, but their thought is unable to see and embrace the nature of the beautiful itself."
"That's for sure."
"In fact, there are very few people who would be able to reach the beautiful itself and see it by itself. Isn't that so?"
"Certainly."
"What about someone who believes in beautiful things, but doesn't believe in the beautiful itself and isn't able to follow anyone who could lead him to the knowledge of it? Don't you think he is living in a dream rather than a wakened state? Isn't this dreaming: whether asleep or awake, to think that a likeness is not a likeness but rather the thing itself that it is like?"
"I certainly think that someone who does that is dreaming."
"But someone who, to take the opposite case, believes in the beautiful itself, can see both it and the things that participate in it and doesn't believe that the participants are it or that it itself is the participants--is he living in a dream or is he awake?
"He's very much awake."
(Republic Bk. V, 475e-476d, translation G.M.A Grube)

heres the end of it...and so...if you found an apple which is red in colour when it is under the sunlight...how about when the apple is in the dark place??everything does have a beauty side...at the same time it does have the ugly side as well...if you are able to know the beauty and the ugly at the same time...then you are the wise person....

It's not too late to love books =D

As I still remember ,I used to love books when im in kindergarden school,I was 5 years old that time...I remembered I was asking my mum so much on the books...and my mum teach me with every single details too...till now I still remember..thank god for giving me a good memorizing in memories...unlike my 2nd elder sister ,cant even remember whats going on on secondary school...haha(sorry for poke your back but still you are my lovely sister =)...)

When age goes on,to the primary school...the second year of primary..I started not interest in school books,because of what??The reason is I wonder why the others just simply listen to teachers when studying ,they can get a high makrs on exam,but me...huh,I study as hard as I can(that time I'm still love my books...)but then when it comes to an exam,I get low marks...the higher I studied...the lower and lower marks I get in my exam each time...This situation has made me lost the interest to study,especially when I came to secondary school...everything is changing...I felt that the books from the schools are getting sucks ... I don't know really WTF the author write the books...(at least made the book more interesting??just some simple text...with not attracting colours of book...)

Few years before,when I was changing my school from SMK Alor Akar(a school for those who good in studies) to SMK Air Putih(a school for those playful ,gangsterism student)...why?? why did I decided to change my school?from being a good student to a wild student...its because I found no friends in the previous school...I hate the feeling...I hate the feeling being alone....the student in SMK Alor Akar are so arrogant...I don't like them ...their way looked at me...their way of judge me...is really hurting me alot,but I didn't take it seriously..I didn't share it to anybody...even the teachers seems don't like me...I keep it everything to myself...SMK Alor Akar,you giving me a sad experience ...but you have let me learnt what is independent...thats why I transfer to another school....a school which rather more friends,that I felt comfortable...although I didnt get a good result studying there...at least better than those treat me LCLY people ...

After I graduated...I didnt even touches any books...because of my hard time experience in secondary school...many people advised me to study more...I didn't listen....even the teachers advice me...even the school send me a letter ask me go back to get an A level study...I didn't...My parents suggest me to study ...I didn't...My parents was like quite upset...just let my life be ~~~because they know that Im not under their control anymore...and sorry for hurting both of you so much because I never listen to you,I object everything you wanna give to me...because of the affect from my enviroment...dad mum...I'm so sorry I didn't graduated highly as you aspected....I know that both of you love me so much ...I keep it to myself as well...I hardly express the feeling to both of you...truely...I love both of you my dad and mum....

3 years...its been 3 years...I was working as a waiter in a place called 'Singapore Polo Club' for two years...finally I met a pastry chef name Cheryl...she is the one who bring me into a new working enviroment...the pastry kitchen...when I got a chance to work in a pastry kitchen...finally...my dream job get into hands...but still alot of things to learn,still alot to study,alot of research need to do the question of how and why about the chemistry of baking n pastries...to reach my goal to become a top chef...I told myself I need to study...not meaning that going to school,but get more books,self study...no matter how hard it is....

It was started from the day of x'mas I receive the exchanges gift from my beloved Chef Carl...unfortunately Chef Carl left us without a notice at first after x'mas...we were very upset such a good chef was left,I still got alot of things need to learn from him...by the way, the dessert sensational cook book given from Chef Carl..its a good book,hmm...I'm not a book fanatic,but since that destiny have came to me ...and giving me another chance to keep going with books again...I told myself I have to,I need to become a top chef,and definitely I will meet Chef Carl again,shall be 1 day....I need to thank him sincerely for giving me a chance to join his pastry team...to let me grow further...Just that simple...I wanna become a top chef,I need to meet him again 1 day...and so...I need to read more books...just the time when he pass me the book...whispering in the bottom of heart(You need to love your book once again....gain your passion ,please don't give up the books...)the book from Chef Carl...will pass through generations...I guarantee...

And so...today was my offday,since got nothing to do...I went to a bookstore,just simply browse...and I spend about 1 hour + in the bookstore,just to look for the right book.wow...it was just too much choice for me to choose...luckily ,I choose the right book...its the book I want to own...I was superly excited when I get home ,take a browse on the book...oh yet its just what I'm looking for...

As I seen most of the cook book are too much focus mentioning on quantity of recipies,measurement of recipies and etc...they are just ordinary for me..for my opinion,what I think is a good cook book,is not due to how complete is the recipies,is not due to how simple the recipies...is that the full details of the food stated in the book...like where is it come from,origin from where??how does it started to serve??how that the ancient people created this dishes??how does it change due to generation pass on??I think if ever you got this kind of cook book which mention more about the sources of the food rather than just giving you the recipies...you master the sources where is it turn out that way...probably thats the best recipie book that you have read...because food is not about how classic is it...yes I know classic dish are important...we need to keep the record of the tradition food...and then we need to create a modern dishes as well...

If ever I got a chance to create a cook book...the book will be base on more to the origin of food that comes from...rather than giving the absolutely delicious recipies...people followed the recipies but don't know what is it about...:'why did your mum give you a name when you are born??'I don't know!!''just similar to that,,,then what for the recipies??Its just like eating the food without knowledge...like following the generation without a soul...just like a machine !!! I need to let people to understand...what is about cakes and bread...I need to let the people know what they are actually eating...I need to let them wake up and realize...'oh...its so amazing how it turns out!!!'therefore...the food you taste will be more delicious...because you knew the food...you become the good friend of the food...

Thats how a book can affect a person's life...to manke it meaningful...to get new dreams n mission in life...I will never ever say "NO" to books anymore...because of my dream,my passion,my mission,my target,my destiny...once again in my life...I love books again~~~~~~~

Bad day...today...

Everything seems not going well with me today...as almost a year I have been working in pastry kitchen,this is the 1st time I made the worst mousse...a mousse with superly rough texture...even I seen myself:it shouldn't be this way....not only the mousse,the coffee cream melted as I put outside for too long...what had happen to me...this is not the best I can do....alot better....just a basic mousse...and I cant done it properly...I failed.....just wanted to say to myself..."shame on you as a pastry cook"

I really hope this day won't come back to me anymore...that makes me feel not stable to work with...

Am I giving too much of stress to myself???

It was aswesome ,a wonderful experience that I wanted to have it all along ago since I join and work as a part of pastry team.I have waited for the chance to come,I wish that I can create my own showpiece with what I've learn in pastry kitchen,what I've been tought by my chefs and seniors.

The reason why I wish so much to have my own showpiece,its not because of wanted to showing of to somebody what talent I have...many people would think of that way,but what I really think is 'I want to create something which that belongs to myself',something that represent me,something that I can't express it in words,something that is not only come from the idea...but come from the real personality of what I am.

Since christmas from last year,I was helping out my chef 'CDP' to create his winter showpiece ''the new generation'...Oh whats that??!!Its actually a gingerbread house with the title on it,mentioning the elder Santa was too old to work out and send the gifts to children,so that the son of elder Santa continued his fathers job...instead of riding reindeer,the son was help out with his 'CHIWAWA dog'.

When the season ended ,I was impressed with what actually showpiece can be done,and I have strongly promised myself to have a chocolate showpiece on the Valentines day...Days are getting nearer...only few more hours later to decide whether I'm going to create the showpiece drawn in my mind...only a week left to reach the Valentines day....I still hesitating...the more I think...I'm started to have a fear on the day comes...until now,I'm still think am I gonna do it or not??...I have lost my confidence when I come getting more knowledge...It was not me from the last few years...Brave, Direct , Confident... Kenny as I...have lost his strong ability to encounter the problems that would come...he is lost...

I was asking myself this evening in my working place... am I havng too much of expectation to myself??Am I giving too much of hope of I will be done ...when it comes to the topic showpiece on Valentines day,I am stress seriously...... I totally frustated on I have promised to myself, and now Im about to give up on what Im thinking..... feel so bad , so sad.... that Im blogging now but not concentrating my work...

It seems like nobody understands,even myself couldn't understand myself anymore..What I had became....

First time came out with a blog, which I will never do so in the past...

To whom it may concern : Hi to anybody who visit my blog and your are welcome !

This is my first time having my own blog...the reason why because I realized that actually there are too many things happen in my life ,I found it hardly to explain and share with my friends, colleague and even parents...Sometimes I rather keep things to myself, not because of I don't like to share, its because of I don't know how to tell my feelings and stuff to anybody,especially the NEGATIVE......

That's why I created a blog, not only for myself...for you all,for anybody who passby , anybody would care, anybody would like to share with me with their opinion...for you to UNDERSTAND what actually I am.

Some people says that I'm good, some people says that I'm bad.What I know is in our life we will have people who support us, at the same time there will be people who will screwed up your life, to reach your own goal...

When people talk about me, I didn't expect them to have a good image on me (as I used to it...) Example like when somebody is giving me advice,you will see that I'm more like not interesting or ignoring it... They will tell me that Im so stubborn...not because of I really didn't care about it , never think about it ...I do think and analyze the questions,answers that people given to me and I will judge it whether if it is workable .Whether if im using the advice or not, you will see when the result comes out.People judge on me too early... but yes,I stubborn...

Some people answer the question and some people question the answer... REMEMBER... don't judge me too early..... I may not like what you think I am ..... just like the onion, peel it of layer by layer...you will see the different of me...

no money go for a psychiatrist???Then just let the blog to cure your psycho sickness ~~~